I was fairly certain that I was going to win $333 million tonight. I even bought three tickets, tripling my chances. Sometimes the stars just don't have what you want lined up for you at any particular given time, I guess.
I did get a minor promotion and slight raise at work today. If I work 41,625,000 hours now, it will be just like I won the lotto, instead of the 43,816,000 hours I would have had to have worked before to make that. I just saved 2.2 million hours of my life. Maybe now I can write that novel and find time to exercise. =)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Freeze Rays are Uncooperative
So, I'm sitting here in a small coffee shop somewhere in the middle of Massachusetts, and I can't help but ponder the many trials and tribulations a real world mad scientist would have to deal with. There are many of you out there that were probably somewhat frustrated in your current jobs, and have probably been considering a move into the evil super science field. It certainly is an exciting field to be involved with. You find plenty of challenging applications for your personal creativity, there is plenty of flex time, as well as a chance to become supreme ruler of the globe. But hold on a minute, before you go off recruiting an army of minions and a 2nd in command who has a penitent for bowler hats, there are a few aspects of mad scientistry you might not have considered.
Labor: Although at the start of your operations, you will find yourself constantly having to recruit new henchmen as your current stock are constantly depleted by the worlds security agencies, freelancing heroes, and escaped lab experiments, with time this issue can be eased by the introduction of cloning baths. Labor issues themselves rarely come up as the same overly elaborate death mechanisms you will be employing against the worlds do-gooders also have a tendency to swiftly smooth out any union issues (if coupled with concessions on dental, anyway).
Freeze Rays: It's so hard to get a freeze ray actually working how you want it to. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle prevents a system achieving sufficiently low temperatures AND having accurate targeting protocols. This isn't meant to discourage budding young evil super scientists from experimenting with liquid hydrogen and (when the finances are right) liquid helium, as both can be fun and exciting centerpieces in any sinister plan. Just take my advice, and leave any sort of "ray" technology on the warmer side of super science.
Dating: Don't date your minions. BELIEVE ME, this can only lead to awkward dinner conversations. I mean really, after a hulking death machine you had just laying around in storage somehow wakes up and tears apart half your manpower (and most of your significant others coworkers) they are going to start asking why you even keep such phenomenally unstoppable engines of doom just laying around, and why don't you just throw them out? Nag, nag, nag.
Evil Pets: Do you have any known animal allergies? Most of your fellow mad scientists are going to have evil kitty cats, so any sort of evil conferences you hold are likely to be abundant in evil long hair cats. Do you really want to be sneezing and blowing your nose while you unveil your latest plan for world domination? Also, you think litter boxes from regular cats are bad, wait till you get a whiff of a sinister litter box.
Steam Pipes: These do not need to be run down every single corridor in your base. Popular films would have you believe otherwise. It's simply poor design.
Note: This was all ACTUALLY composed last Friday, but for some reason I never posted it. Such is the oddness of end of summer, start of school again time. To address Guy's concerns, we shall have a bit of a "rebuilding" coming up soon, once everyone is settled back into a post-summer schedule. More info coming on my next post...
Labor: Although at the start of your operations, you will find yourself constantly having to recruit new henchmen as your current stock are constantly depleted by the worlds security agencies, freelancing heroes, and escaped lab experiments, with time this issue can be eased by the introduction of cloning baths. Labor issues themselves rarely come up as the same overly elaborate death mechanisms you will be employing against the worlds do-gooders also have a tendency to swiftly smooth out any union issues (if coupled with concessions on dental, anyway).
Freeze Rays: It's so hard to get a freeze ray actually working how you want it to. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle prevents a system achieving sufficiently low temperatures AND having accurate targeting protocols. This isn't meant to discourage budding young evil super scientists from experimenting with liquid hydrogen and (when the finances are right) liquid helium, as both can be fun and exciting centerpieces in any sinister plan. Just take my advice, and leave any sort of "ray" technology on the warmer side of super science.
Dating: Don't date your minions. BELIEVE ME, this can only lead to awkward dinner conversations. I mean really, after a hulking death machine you had just laying around in storage somehow wakes up and tears apart half your manpower (and most of your significant others coworkers) they are going to start asking why you even keep such phenomenally unstoppable engines of doom just laying around, and why don't you just throw them out? Nag, nag, nag.
Evil Pets: Do you have any known animal allergies? Most of your fellow mad scientists are going to have evil kitty cats, so any sort of evil conferences you hold are likely to be abundant in evil long hair cats. Do you really want to be sneezing and blowing your nose while you unveil your latest plan for world domination? Also, you think litter boxes from regular cats are bad, wait till you get a whiff of a sinister litter box.
Steam Pipes: These do not need to be run down every single corridor in your base. Popular films would have you believe otherwise. It's simply poor design.
Note: This was all ACTUALLY composed last Friday, but for some reason I never posted it. Such is the oddness of end of summer, start of school again time. To address Guy's concerns, we shall have a bit of a "rebuilding" coming up soon, once everyone is settled back into a post-summer schedule. More info coming on my next post...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Just in case...
Apparently, everyone was supposed to take this week off from the blog, but no one told me. But just in case that's not true, I'll write a little short post about the various stupid things I pondered this week.
Anatomically modern humans have been around for 200,000 years. Since then, our physical evolution has been almost completely replaced by cultural evolution. But those advances rely entirely on the surrounding culture. For example, the life expectancy in most 1st world countries today is three times that of most European countries a millennium ago. This is largely due to advances in health care and a better understanding of human nutrition. However, how many of us actually know how to pasteurize milk or extract penicillin from a moldy citrus fruit? Physical adaptations last, the ability to eat both meats and plants, large brain cases and large prefrontal lobes, and bi-pedal locomotion are gifts we all get to enjoy. So I came up with an advancement benchmark, the "naked time traveler" test. The name says it all, you travel through time, and you're naked - no gadgets, no gizmos, no reference guides. It doesn't really matter where you go to, 150,000 BCE, 12,000 BCE, 335 BCE, 476 CE, or 1066 AD, you're still not very likely to be more useful than your "primitive" counterparts, and, I should guess, often times considerably less useful. Maybe you have a useful skill, like engineering - you still probably aren't familiar with how to make trees into lumber or ore into nails or even the modern carpentry concepts needed to turn plans into products. We've all become codependent cogs in the great cultural machine. And the biggest casualty has been meaningful human advancement.
I recently read an interesting article about the conceptual barrier against considering how the future might be that is created by the possibility of creating greater-than-human intelligence. So I did some more poking around, apparently, there is an entire movement of people who are somewhat obsessed with this idea, or the "singularity." Whether it's artificial intelligence that can improve its own source code, computer-enhanced human brains, or human brains scanned and emulated on much faster and more powerful computers, the verdict is always the same - humans can't conceive of what something smarter than humans are capable of. We cannot predict a future that operates outside of our level of understanding. The whole thing seems a little rough around the edges, and maybe the impact is a little exaggerated, but in general, the premise seems true. Max Headroom works in mysterious ways...
Who the hell decided that turducken was a good idea? For those of you unfamiliar, that's a turkey that has an entire chicken inside of it, which of course has an entire duck stuffed inside of it. I've seen recipes that call for stuffing the duck with ground sausage, if your lust for multiple meats hasn't been met yet, as well as one that was entirely wrapped in five pounds of bacon (don't let being from two separate recipes stop you from doing both). And people wonder why we're the fattest major country in the world...
And finally, the us military has 1.45 million active duty members, 850k reservists, 580k civilian employees, and 98k additional Department of Defense employees. That's juuuust under 3 million total for my fellow right brainers out there. By contrast, there are currently 8,000 people in the Peace Corps and 75,000 in Americorps. I don't remember which, but one of those two groups received a quarter of the national budget last year and the other was mostly funded by donations and helped to keep afloat by unpaid volunteers. I wonder what the Peace Corps could have done with $700 billion last year. Good thing they didn't get it, a few years like that and we'd probably run out of wars to fight in!
Anatomically modern humans have been around for 200,000 years. Since then, our physical evolution has been almost completely replaced by cultural evolution. But those advances rely entirely on the surrounding culture. For example, the life expectancy in most 1st world countries today is three times that of most European countries a millennium ago. This is largely due to advances in health care and a better understanding of human nutrition. However, how many of us actually know how to pasteurize milk or extract penicillin from a moldy citrus fruit? Physical adaptations last, the ability to eat both meats and plants, large brain cases and large prefrontal lobes, and bi-pedal locomotion are gifts we all get to enjoy. So I came up with an advancement benchmark, the "naked time traveler" test. The name says it all, you travel through time, and you're naked - no gadgets, no gizmos, no reference guides. It doesn't really matter where you go to, 150,000 BCE, 12,000 BCE, 335 BCE, 476 CE, or 1066 AD, you're still not very likely to be more useful than your "primitive" counterparts, and, I should guess, often times considerably less useful. Maybe you have a useful skill, like engineering - you still probably aren't familiar with how to make trees into lumber or ore into nails or even the modern carpentry concepts needed to turn plans into products. We've all become codependent cogs in the great cultural machine. And the biggest casualty has been meaningful human advancement.
I recently read an interesting article about the conceptual barrier against considering how the future might be that is created by the possibility of creating greater-than-human intelligence. So I did some more poking around, apparently, there is an entire movement of people who are somewhat obsessed with this idea, or the "singularity." Whether it's artificial intelligence that can improve its own source code, computer-enhanced human brains, or human brains scanned and emulated on much faster and more powerful computers, the verdict is always the same - humans can't conceive of what something smarter than humans are capable of. We cannot predict a future that operates outside of our level of understanding. The whole thing seems a little rough around the edges, and maybe the impact is a little exaggerated, but in general, the premise seems true. Max Headroom works in mysterious ways...
Who the hell decided that turducken was a good idea? For those of you unfamiliar, that's a turkey that has an entire chicken inside of it, which of course has an entire duck stuffed inside of it. I've seen recipes that call for stuffing the duck with ground sausage, if your lust for multiple meats hasn't been met yet, as well as one that was entirely wrapped in five pounds of bacon (don't let being from two separate recipes stop you from doing both). And people wonder why we're the fattest major country in the world...
And finally, the us military has 1.45 million active duty members, 850k reservists, 580k civilian employees, and 98k additional Department of Defense employees. That's juuuust under 3 million total for my fellow right brainers out there. By contrast, there are currently 8,000 people in the Peace Corps and 75,000 in Americorps. I don't remember which, but one of those two groups received a quarter of the national budget last year and the other was mostly funded by donations and helped to keep afloat by unpaid volunteers. I wonder what the Peace Corps could have done with $700 billion last year. Good thing they didn't get it, a few years like that and we'd probably run out of wars to fight in!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Gee, internet, thanks.
I've got nothing this week. I consulted the internet for some random, thought provoking ideas, and lo, she delivered... or perhaps miscarried. The internet is simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst things to ever happen. Today's topic... would you exchange your genitalia for a third, fully functional arm with hand *in its place*?
Best I can figure, this needs a pro/con list, and then I'll make a final judgment.
CONS:
Umm, you'd have no genitals. Both sexes would still have a urethra at the base of the arm, slightly anterior to the anus. That means you'll be sitting to pee, males, and you can forget about ever writing your name in the snow (though you may be too busy owning at snowball fights to care).
A lack of genitalia also makes sex not a lot of fun - at least nothing conventional. And hopefully this choice is to be made after the ages of 13-17 are out of the way; idle hands and all that.
A lot of simple, everyday objects we take for granted would need some special modifications, like bicycle seats... or pants.
People may occasionally look at you funny.
Looking even more awkward when you drop something and almost catch it five or six times before it hits the floor.
PROS:
You'd be better at practically everything that doesn't involve sex, playing the piano, juggling, boxing, picking berries, rock climbing, etc. etc.
New weapon fighting combinations like two knives and a pistol, a sniper rifle and a katana, or three pairs of nunchuks.
Not having to make a trip back to the car to get those last two grocery bags you just couldn't grab on the first trip.
While your own sexual gratification may suffer greatly, you are practically a small walking orgy when it comes to pleasuring your partner(s)(es). Not to mention the potential for massive post-coital cuddling.
You can fix your wedgie without anyone else being the wiser.
The potential for *amazing* practical jokes, sucker punches, pick-pocketing, or getting fresh with your waiter/waitress or a pretty girl/buff dude on the subway.
The capacity to give the most gratifying triple-threat middle-finger extravaganza to show the full 150% of a normal person's rage and contempt for your adversary.
VERDICT:
Over the years, I've become pretty close with my genitals, but at the same time, they've also gotten me into a lot of trouble. It seems that all of my reasons for keeping them are pretty selfish and often petty. On the other side of the scale, I'd be awesome at things people just aren't supposed to be, like playing the guitar and drums for Rock Band by myself at the same time. I wouldn't be able to get laid anymore, but if I could, that Rock Band bit would certainly do it. I'd say the adventure alone would be worth it - and maybe I could become a famous bartender or sushi chef or three card monte swindler, or something equally perfect for someone of my new found dexterity.
What you monkeys decide is up to you...
Best I can figure, this needs a pro/con list, and then I'll make a final judgment.
CONS:
Umm, you'd have no genitals. Both sexes would still have a urethra at the base of the arm, slightly anterior to the anus. That means you'll be sitting to pee, males, and you can forget about ever writing your name in the snow (though you may be too busy owning at snowball fights to care).
A lack of genitalia also makes sex not a lot of fun - at least nothing conventional. And hopefully this choice is to be made after the ages of 13-17 are out of the way; idle hands and all that.
A lot of simple, everyday objects we take for granted would need some special modifications, like bicycle seats... or pants.
People may occasionally look at you funny.
Looking even more awkward when you drop something and almost catch it five or six times before it hits the floor.
PROS:
You'd be better at practically everything that doesn't involve sex, playing the piano, juggling, boxing, picking berries, rock climbing, etc. etc.
New weapon fighting combinations like two knives and a pistol, a sniper rifle and a katana, or three pairs of nunchuks.
Not having to make a trip back to the car to get those last two grocery bags you just couldn't grab on the first trip.
While your own sexual gratification may suffer greatly, you are practically a small walking orgy when it comes to pleasuring your partner(s)(es). Not to mention the potential for massive post-coital cuddling.
You can fix your wedgie without anyone else being the wiser.
The potential for *amazing* practical jokes, sucker punches, pick-pocketing, or getting fresh with your waiter/waitress or a pretty girl/buff dude on the subway.
The capacity to give the most gratifying triple-threat middle-finger extravaganza to show the full 150% of a normal person's rage and contempt for your adversary.
VERDICT:
Over the years, I've become pretty close with my genitals, but at the same time, they've also gotten me into a lot of trouble. It seems that all of my reasons for keeping them are pretty selfish and often petty. On the other side of the scale, I'd be awesome at things people just aren't supposed to be, like playing the guitar and drums for Rock Band by myself at the same time. I wouldn't be able to get laid anymore, but if I could, that Rock Band bit would certainly do it. I'd say the adventure alone would be worth it - and maybe I could become a famous bartender or sushi chef or three card monte swindler, or something equally perfect for someone of my new found dexterity.
What you monkeys decide is up to you...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Woodland Creature Noir
Chapter 1: The Bumping Off of Sam the Turtle
It wasn't supposed to end this way. Laying on his back, Sam the Turtle just looked up at Jake the Squirrel, the still smoking revolver dropped at his side. The rain beat down over the squirrel's overcoat, and somewhere in the distance sirens could be heard. There was no need for words, they both knew the score. Tommy "Two-Toes" McGee had knocked up the price on Sam's head last Thursday to a cool 12-lbs of acorns. The whole neighborhood knew Sam's time was up. For the last three weeks, he'd managed to lay low, hidden away in a different borough every couple of days. But this time Sam had been too slow to move, gotten too comfortable where he was hiding. "Dames," Sam thought to himself, "if only it weren't for Jenny, I'da been outta here three days ago". The regretful turtle would have kicked himself, but his legs didn't bend like that. Jenny was a dame, but oh, what a dame.
It was a week ago, at The Moonlight and Dewdrops. Sam wasn't even supposed to be there. He was trying to get back to his pad down on the corner of Pondscum and Maple, but some unnervingly long gazes from strangers on the bus caused him to lose his cool and he'd hopped off four blocks early. "I'll just slip in the front and out the back," he'd told himself as he past the doorman and into the club, "just keep your head down and walk cool Sam, you can do this. Ain't nobody knows who you are, ain't nobody got a good look atcha', ain't nob...", Sam stopped. He was staring at the stage. He was staring at what all the other guys in the joint where staring at. Jenny the Opossum, bathed in the spotlight and piano, had just begun to sing. Her voice slipped between the tables like molassas on warm corn cakes. Dark and heavy, it cut off even the most hard-boiled cats (the Calico twins) midsentence. For the first time in weeks, Sam forgot his troubles. He forgot about the horse racing job Jonny Spatz had left him holding the bag on. He forgot about how since then Two-toes goons were always chasing at his heels and they weren't looking to negotiate. He even forgot that rumor he'd heard about McGee's new Moll being some kinda marsupial song-an'-dance gal. Applesauce, why had he forgotten that!
It wasn't supposed to end this way. Laying on his back, Sam the Turtle just looked up at Jake the Squirrel, the still smoking revolver dropped at his side. The rain beat down over the squirrel's overcoat, and somewhere in the distance sirens could be heard. There was no need for words, they both knew the score. Tommy "Two-Toes" McGee had knocked up the price on Sam's head last Thursday to a cool 12-lbs of acorns. The whole neighborhood knew Sam's time was up. For the last three weeks, he'd managed to lay low, hidden away in a different borough every couple of days. But this time Sam had been too slow to move, gotten too comfortable where he was hiding. "Dames," Sam thought to himself, "if only it weren't for Jenny, I'da been outta here three days ago". The regretful turtle would have kicked himself, but his legs didn't bend like that. Jenny was a dame, but oh, what a dame.
It was a week ago, at The Moonlight and Dewdrops. Sam wasn't even supposed to be there. He was trying to get back to his pad down on the corner of Pondscum and Maple, but some unnervingly long gazes from strangers on the bus caused him to lose his cool and he'd hopped off four blocks early. "I'll just slip in the front and out the back," he'd told himself as he past the doorman and into the club, "just keep your head down and walk cool Sam, you can do this. Ain't nobody knows who you are, ain't nobody got a good look atcha', ain't nob...", Sam stopped. He was staring at the stage. He was staring at what all the other guys in the joint where staring at. Jenny the Opossum, bathed in the spotlight and piano, had just begun to sing. Her voice slipped between the tables like molassas on warm corn cakes. Dark and heavy, it cut off even the most hard-boiled cats (the Calico twins) midsentence. For the first time in weeks, Sam forgot his troubles. He forgot about the horse racing job Jonny Spatz had left him holding the bag on. He forgot about how since then Two-toes goons were always chasing at his heels and they weren't looking to negotiate. He even forgot that rumor he'd heard about McGee's new Moll being some kinda marsupial song-an'-dance gal. Applesauce, why had he forgotten that!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Polarized thinking: part 1
So what's black and white and gray all over?
An agnostic Zebra?
A Unitarian Universalist Newsletter?
Fundamentalist gruel? (cinnamon-flavored, of course)
But seriously, folks, this is a big one. Having just sat through a number of book report presentations this week, I noticed that every single group made one of the following comments:
"The author made the issues seem way too black and white."
or
"The author did a good job of presenting multiple viewpoints, but never really resolved them."
Every single presentation.
So what's going on here? Why is this observation a staple of literary and conceptual criticism? Why do issues always become either polarized or completely wishy-washy*?
I want to tackle this issue head-on; just not today. I'm off to climb rocks and see my girl for the first time in 2 weeks.
*this framing of the issue is itself a polarization: down-the-rabbit-hole alert!
An agnostic Zebra?
A Unitarian Universalist Newsletter?
Fundamentalist gruel? (cinnamon-flavored, of course)
But seriously, folks, this is a big one. Having just sat through a number of book report presentations this week, I noticed that every single group made one of the following comments:
"The author made the issues seem way too black and white."
or
"The author did a good job of presenting multiple viewpoints, but never really resolved them."
Every single presentation.
So what's going on here? Why is this observation a staple of literary and conceptual criticism? Why do issues always become either polarized or completely wishy-washy*?
I want to tackle this issue head-on; just not today. I'm off to climb rocks and see my girl for the first time in 2 weeks.
*this framing of the issue is itself a polarization: down-the-rabbit-hole alert!
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