Officially, it is estimated that 3-5% of Americans are afflicted with this “issue” however I am sure the unofficial claims are much higher than that. There’s always those kids at school who are on whatever drug because of their ADHD, or the guy at the office who is a total flake because of his ADHD. Hell, some pet owners are medicating their pets due to their ADHD. This disorder appears to be a growing epidemic throughout the country in this modern new world of ours, however, I am happy to report a breakthrough on this and many other social disorders plaguing our once great nation.
Through intense study and screening (actually observation, rationalization, and logic) it has become clear that the cause of these issues is actually: idiots. That’s right, idiots. Seriously, ADHD in kids? Everyone knows the real diagnosis is bad parenting. Your precious snowflake can’t behave in school because you are a turd of a parent. You have whimsical dreams that your child is perfect and should never be reprimanded so they can have the “perfect childhood” and your insecurity gives you the urge to be the perfect parent, so you are hesitant to reprimand your soon-to-be convict. These kids don’t have a chemical imbalance; they have a parent/parents who suck at life. The real prescription for this should be a kick in the ass to the parents. I am sick of my insurance cost going up to cover blanket prescriptions of Prozac because parents are lazy.
Remember those people we thought about in the beginning of this blog? Well, I would bet the farm that those who scored not-so-well in our examination are the same ones with a direct link to ADHD. Their kids are shitheads because ma/pa are stoned and think shitting on the wall is funny, so the kids do the same thing in school. Through the extremely accurate and politically incorrect science of profiling and stereotyping, here are some reason’s why you suck at a parent and your kid just nuked the cat in the microwave.
1) You are a single parent. (Almost 33% of you are single parents by design, because you wanted to have a baby as a trophy. You suck and you are destroying this world. Your ovaries should be judo chopped.) Your kid is being watched by:
- A) Your parents, and they didn’t exactly raise a prize in you, now did they single parent? The cycle perpetuates.
- B) Some 14 year old because you are out at the bar now that you lost your pregnancy weight. You have either “I need to feel pretty” issues that make you a whore, or you are out trying to find some sucker who will help you change the diapers. To be fair here, if you are male, you are either trying to “keep it real” which means you are too immature to handle parenthood or you are an idiot and need to be sterilized.
- C) You are a 14 year old. In this case, you are with your parents, and they are grooming another gem
- D) Nobody. Given the above, this is probably the best option.
2) You are clever enough to fornicate (That is pre-programmed in us, so don’t feel as if you achieved anything) and that’s about it. If survival of the fittest still applied in this day and age, you would have been taken out by earthworms or mosquitoes. Either you are hot enough to marry a rich business person or you found someone of equal caliber to you. If you married the rich person, they are never home because they hate their devil child and they are only interested in screwing you, not talking about what was said on The View or who laid the smack down in the ring on Monday night. True, they work all the time (they are successful) but they have to in order to pay for the divorce upcoming or to quench your thirst for “Juicy” pants for you and your 5 year old. They do not love you. They wish they had you sign a pre-nup.
3) You are a complete waste of space. Your role as a consumer is outweighed by your burden placed on society. You either hate work, have no work, or have a job that a monkey could do. Your motivation/desire to be productive is not existent. You are extremely selfish. When you told your friends you were going to have a kid, they could only say congratulations because they were really thinking “OMFG I can’t believe it’s legal for these people to procreate.” You can’t fight the feeling on the inside, however, that you know you are 10th percentile in everything you do. This is why you try to masturbate your inner worth by letting your child get away with murder. As long as your kid is happy, you feel like a great parent. This is your only sense of satisfaction besides food that comes in a box or spreading your legs to alcohol saturated one liners. You do not worry about what will happen when your child grows up because you have never really thought about the future. If you had, you would have realized that putting Lucky Charms in a bowl on the floor next to the dog food bowl was a bad idea.
4) You are a broken arrow. Something traumatic happened in your life and you didn’t have the fortitude to get over it. Life is so easy these days that you managed to stay in the quiver. It’s sad that your child reminds you of your significant other who died in the car crash. That doesn’t mean you give the little shit head anything they want. Ok, it sucks your step father touched you in your “no zone” I do not condone that. It screwed up your life forever. Well, if your life has spiraled out of control why the hell did you have the urge to bring others into it? Why, because you thought it would bring you happiness. This thought process is why you are officially classified as a broken arrow.
I can go on with this list, however I think I have the majority of the reasons covered. Bottom line, ADHD is bullshit. 50 years ago, this didn't exist. Why? Because you would have kicked your kid’s ass when they needed it, that’s why. If you didn’t, your neighbor would have, or the teachers would have. People are animals. If you don’t train your dog to shit outside, it will keep shitting on your carpet. The same goes with your little precious. Many will say that this is not my business and they have the right to raise their children how they want. Well, guess what, I am paying for part of the Prozac, and I will pay for part of the meals at the prison. My tax dollars will fund the welfare and the child services. So it’s starting to piss me off. I don’t give a shit if your kid worships a plastic santa and wears a pound of black makeup and bobby pins; this is not a drain on my checking account. This place is getting crowded and I am tired of funding this disaster. This brings me to a future topic which I will address at another time: The Mandatory Procreation Competency Test, or the MPC Test.
Please, if you know of anyone battling ADHD with their child, do them a favor; have them read this.
-thisisafakename
Editors Note: thisisafakename was unable to post this week. I shall not go into details as I don't have them. Obviously, thisisafakename WAS able to compose an article. He just couldn't post it. So I'm posting it for him with this pseudonym. Good times ~bd
Well, that was a cheerful article. Couple of things my totally unqualified brain thinks:
ReplyDelete1. You seem to put all the blame on the parent. But parents didn't come up with ADHD. Pharmaceutical companies did. Seriously it went like this:
scientist #1: Hey, if you give speed to rambunctious kids, they calm down.
scientist #2: Oh, that's kind of interesting and unethical. Perhaps we should investigate it further.
pharm-company-man: Forget that, I just thought of a "disease" this can cure. Let's broadcast this garbage all over the teevees. Telling parents we can actually CURE a childs behavior? We'll make BILLIONS!
And they did.
2. Some of the most successful people I know were diagnosed ADHD. Sure, they take the pills when they want to study for a test (and then promptly ace everything, those jerks) but when they didn't take them, they became like multi-tasking-machines! Sure, ADHD kids get into a bunch of trouble, their brains are running so stupid fast they get bored. You give them a puzzle, some coloring books, ask them to build a fort out of the couch, all while singing you a song and I guarantee you that kid will behave.
3. Plenty of bad parents produce really well behaved kids. In fact, I've found that some of the most interesting, decent people I've ever known come from hellish homes.
In short, parenting and child psychology are far too complex an issue to make gross generalizations about "this leads to that". Granted, I'm totally unqualified to say such things, but I will anyway. Parenting hasn't gotten any better or worse over the years. Plenty of people beat the shit out of their kids, and they misbehave even worse for it. ADHD isn't the invention of lazy parents, it's the creation of greedy fuck corporations who said "wow, two working parents (practically required to afford a decent house these days) are really exhausted at the end of the day and totally willing to buy into our snake oil "make your kid shut up" pills.
If what you are actually upset about is a cultural issue where idiots are costing you money, I think you'll find the following group of people are ALSO taking your money (more of it actually), via taxes, to pay for their own stupidity:
Drunk Drivers
Smokers
Fat People
The War on Drugs
The Death Penalty
Missile Defense
Gifted and Talented Programs
for that matter, My Entire Education
But, like I said, what do I know.
I think we're also overlooking a huge piece of the puzzle here - a lot of kids are just a small step shy of being retarded. People don't want to admit that their kids are complete idiots. By most IQ scales, about 30% fall under the "average" category. And average isn't all that sharp to begin with. A kid doesn't have to have ADHD to not pay attention to something he doesn't understand. I can guarantee if I sat through a PhD level lecture on astrophysics, I'd be sketching little pictures on my note pad and day dreaming about what would happen if a t-rex was elected president of Argentina.
ReplyDeleteIf a little narcotic boost seems to keep the kids on track, parents would gladly dope up their kids in order to not have to admit they didn't make the sharpest crayon in the box. Stupid kids *shouldn't* like school. Just like I've long said, society doesn't work if everyone is smart. In a world of PhDs, no one is left to bag your groceries, pump your gas, or scoop the poop at the zoo.
"I can guarantee if I sat through a PhD level lecture on astrophysics, I'd be sketching little pictures on my note pad and day dreaming about what would happen if a t-rex was elected president of Argentina."
ReplyDeleteIf there is any other way to take a PhD level lecture on astrophysics, or any kind of physics for that matter, I certainly don't know of it.
It doesn't surprise me that you throw words like "intelligence" and "idiot" around so casually. Someone who views children with ADD as being generally retarded has some serious re-thinking to do on the subject of what intelligence is. Intelligence in the context your using it pertains to abilities to perform well in the modern academic environments. This is a very limited definition, especially since in modern schools all thats really expected of students is memorization. Its a sad fact that in the american schooling system you can be a straight-A student by simply parroting answers without any original thought your own.
ReplyDeleteWhile some of our best and most driven minds haven't been able to define intelligence, your throwing the word around like its a fifty cent toy.
I'm seriously hoping your post was a tongue and cheek approach at humor, otherwise I'm going to have a hard time respecting your future posts. Most bigotry is based in willful ignorance and is built up out a personal need to confirm ones own identity and worth-- this is psychopathic and in my opinion should not be condoned under any circumstance.
To be fair, he didn't actually use the word "intelligence". But this isn't the Internet, so try and keep your burning fierce anger to a minimum. Oh wait... this IS the internet? Then by all means, accuse him of throwing around words he didn't actually use, and threaten to not take his posts seriously. You both come off better for it!
ReplyDeleteWhatever, I dont mean to be petty or anything, but I'm really not interested in splitting hairs over giants. I'm going to resign from this blog. Suddenly none of this interests me.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, bunny, thanks for posting my account. I just got my account up and running.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, guys, seriously. It was a joke. I was not speaking about all people with ADHD. If anything, my post was talking about the result of dead beat parents. I was simply calling out a portion of people whom I have interacted with. There's nothing personal here. It's a damn joke. I write stuff that appeals to some and fires up others some times. Other times I tell funny stories about stuff that happens to me that most find whimsical and humerous. I don't want Poser to quit, I hope you continue to write. If I pissed you off, I am sorry. We all have fake names so we can write ridiculous things that appeal to some people and fire up others. However, I ask you to please not insult my intelligence regarding a ridiculous article which appears to have done exactly it's job. If you believe everything I wrote in my article was serious, then I would also like to discuss with you the advantages of depositing money in my offshore bank account. I apologize for assuming some of you were thick skinned - entertainment writers. CTFO.
Fake,
ReplyDeleteI think that was more at me, I'm the one who brought ADHD and intelligence into the same arena - except that my entire point was that stupid kids were *misdiagnosed* as having ADD when really they were just stupid to save their parents the embarrassment of having a below-average child. Maybe I wasn't very clear on that.
Judo chop, classic.
ReplyDelete