But wait, there's more!

Congratulations, you’re going to a nursing home!

What do antibiotics, multivitamins, fluoride, pasteurization, and the discovery of fire all have in common? They all contribute to making sure your brain dies before your body does. Ah, the joys of senility. Do you wish you never had that good-for-nothing son? You’ll believe you never did! Felt like you wasted all that time and money studying things in college that no one cares about or spent your life in a thankless job and have nothing to show for it? Good news, you’ll forget all of that. All of the cells in your body continue to die off and come back anew… but they also have time limits, a certain number of cycles before they just quit renovating. It used to be that we didn’t live long enough for our brain’s term limit to affect most of us. In the good ol’ days, we used to waste away in enfeebled shells, while our capable minds watch helplessly from our functional but ineffectual cranial prisons. But those days are gone! Now our bodies can be kept alive and kicking well beyond the expiration date stamped on our grey-matter cartons.

What could be better than retiring at 62 and living to be 104? Forty plus years of doing nothing but watching your mental acuity slip daily by almost imperceptibly small degrees. You’ll get to enjoy great new hobbies like:

- Calling your cats (and/or grandchildren) by the your children‘s names.
- Meticulously cleaning your house in anticipation for the president’s visit.
- Answering the door naked at 2:00am, after no one even knocked on the door, to accept your delivery of hundreds of beautiful cakes and pies.
- And so much more!

All of this can be yours. Just make sure you take your 11 prescriptions every day, exercise five days a week, take your vitamins, avoid red meat, don’t drink alcohol, get your flu shot, avoid physical contact with questionable minorities, limit television to 15 minutes per day, walk at least five miles daily, practice yoga, pilates, and tai chi, and regularly visit your primary care doctor, your cardiologist, your ear, nose, and throat specialist, your vascular consultant, your dentist, and your chiropractor, and by all means, don‘t forget your omega-3 fatty acids and your St. John‘s wert. Taking these simple steps can ensure that you too can live well past the time your mind and body were ever intended for!