Survivors Guide to Time Travelers

 

 

 

My high school science teacher once told me a theory of Stephen Hawkins, which was this: assuming time is infinite, time travel is impossible because we in our present lives are not inundated by an infinite amount of time travelers. I’m here to tell you that Mr. Hawkins is wrong, dangerously wrong. Time travelers walk amongst us. The following is a survivors guide to tourists from the future.

 

Protecting your genitals

 

It is important to set aside doubt. Time travelers walk amongst us, and not only that but they are extremely dangerous and/or annoying. Consider the following, unbeknownst to you, your great great great grandchild will be the next Hitler. Your life is living hell because every time traveler from your great great great grandchild’s generation is going to be going for your balls (or ovaries) in order to prevent his birth and the consequential  horrible crimes against humanity.

 

Survival tips:

 

Never knowingly trust your genitals with time travelers no matter how attractive and/or convincing they may be.

 

Do not be fooled by pleas of logic. While thousands, even millions may die horrible deaths in the near to distant future, you have a right to your reproductive organs. Keep telling yourself that.

 

Purchase crotch armor. I’m not talking about sports gear, a plastic cup between infinitesimal hordes from the future and your tickle-me-Elmo isn’t going to cut it. Go medieval, chain mail doesn’t chafe that badly with liberal use of KY jelly.

 

 

So, you may have wondered why prostitutes and party clowns keep on trying to neuter you at inconvenient times, well now you know why. But knowing isn’t enough, its important to recognize you local time traveler before they get too close with their garden shears and coat hangers.

 

Spotting the Time Tourist

While it is important to recognize tourists from the future it is also important to recognize not all of them are dangerous.

 

Common and relatively harmless time tourists are:

daughters and sons you haven’t had yet

angry ex-wives you haven’t met

quizitive mother in laws of the ex-wives you haven’t met

neighbors twice removed

various unfortunate versions of yourself

confused members of countries that do not exist yet

 

Common but more dangerous future folk are:

door to door doctors

enlistment officers 

refugees from zombie apocalypses

zombies from zombie apocalypses

genetically engineered furry’s

over zealous reenactors

conspiracy theorists with self fulfilling prophecies

 

gambrels

 

Christopher Lloyds

 

 

While most time travelers are relatively inconspicuous they do behave irregularly in little ways (to save you time I have personally ruled out freegans).

 

Tourist from the future will do little annoying things like:

Eating your pudding packs that we bought special for midnight snacks

poking you with sticks experimentally

making fun of you for the “fabric” cloths you wear

asking you to pose dramatically as they take pictures of you performing daily tasks (such as sleeping)

telling you how you are going to die of cancer even though you specifically ask them not to

convincing you to buy reams of lottery tickets that never win

 

 

 

 

 

 

(While there is much, much more to be said on the subjects of safety and time travelers, I am tired. I suspect my roommate is not have sex anymore so I’m going to go hit the hay.)