729 Monkey

Deep thoughts, intense observation, child-like curiosity, and communication problems. These could probably describe ones feelings during the beginning of a teenage relationship (or any relationship involving engineers,) the George W. Bush Administration, or any intoxicated person. However, today I will discuss none of these. These words also describe myself during the first few months of my relocation to Thisisafakecountry. Today I would like to share with all of you a little bit of my thoughts and my life from a displaced but still internal perspective.

When I made the first major move of my life from the rust belt to the West I had a little bit of adaptation to undergo. Besides adapting to climate and the challenges of "Big City" living, I had a little bit of culture shock to deal with as well. I laughed at how everyone assumed I liked guns, NASCAR, and Big 3 made automotibles. Yes, they were correct, but I still laughed. As locals jested about the morbidly obese, pasty white, smoking bretheren of mine I soon realized that I needed to kick the habit, get some sun, and hit the gym. With my latest relocation I have some vastly different stereotypes to deal with. First and foremost, being an American here in TIAFC, everyone assumes I am wildly rich. This is helpful for meeting women, but not the kind of women that you want to import to the US. It is not helpful when you are walking home on crowded streets with a laptop in your backback. Luckily, thus far, the second stereotype has prevented issues. That would be the belief that as an American, I am genetically designed to kick ass. This is laughable at the least. I am by no means intimidating and the closest I have been to fighting involved hockey skirmishes. However, whenever I am introduced to new people in a casual setting they almost always comment on how strong I must be and want to know how many fights I have been in. These people could most certaintly kick my ass, so I always respond with "enough" because none is enough for me. People also want to know who the U.S. is going to attack next. This question is normally asked with a few different tones of fascination, annoyance, and fear. Jokingly, the question is normally followed up with a "You should go after -insert least favorite country of the natives- " Yes, the world knows we are prone to fight and they don't understand it, but they mostly respect it. It's a pretty humbling moment to explain that we sacked Iraq due to bad information. Yes, my government shit the bed. No I don't like it.

On a more personal level, one of my favorite things to do to friends is let them listen to my i-pod. Everyone expects me to have it loaded with hip hop. It normally takes about 5 minutes before they ask, "What, no 50 Cent, no Beyonce, no Techno?" At least over here I can listen to Kelly Clarkson without being judged. (I know, you just judged me, and I am OK with that.) Another more personal detail I have had to deal with is explaining to people (coworkers, business partners, friends) that I just do not want hookers. Refusing a hooker to them is like refusing to breathe air. After saying no I almost always have to answer the following questions, in this order: You do like women, right? Yes. You do like sex, right? Yes. Then why don't you want a hooker? I don't want to have my crotch rot off. You have been with a woman before, right? Yes. And you don't want a hooker? No. Hmmm. O.K., well, we're going to go get some girls, see you tomorrow. No problem, I'm going to go home and think about how complex my frickin' life is compared to yours and try to not think about the fact that I could be making videos for a future porn site right now. To this date, there are no plans for "www.thisisafakecountrygirls.com"

This leads me to another point, that being that decent, responsible American's have complex lives when compared to most others. With plenty of time to think about this, it is becoming more apparent to how our society is grooming us in the states. I was taught by my parents and my society to obey the laws, respect others, help others in need, be polite, be hygenical, be efficient, work hard, earn what I get, think not only for the present but also for the future, and to love my God. The list goes on, but I think you can get the point. Trying to be responsible and ethical in our society is a full time job. I'm not saying others in the world do not have these similiar beliefs and thoughts, but I am learning that we seem to take it to an entire different level. My coworkers joke about how I say thank you to everything, hold the door for people, get out of the way of traffic, say pardon me when trying to get by people, or actually try to stand in line at the McDonalds and not elbow my way through the crowd. I am sure you can physically see my inner turmoil at the local McDonalds. I am taught to stand in line, not shout, and wait my turn. This is a far cry from the mob the cash register and yell to get the attention of the cashier to get your order situation that is actually present. So I stand there, thinking about how bad I want a double cheeseburger and a coke, watching people elbow past me. Take a step forward, cut by someone. Feel remorse for cutting in line (mob.) More people cut in front of me. Anger. Hunger. Push my way to the front. More remorse. Someone behind me yells and gets the attention of the cashier. They take their order. More anger. They finish their order, another behind me starts yelling. I turn and say, "Ah, Ah, Ah!" They look at me like, holy shit, a white guy. I turn around and order. I get my food, sit down and eat as the entire restaurant stares at me as I eat. This is every time I order a damn hamburger.

Lastly, to an almost humerous extent, I take everything I do here way too serious at the moment. When I was in the states I really hated hearing about how American's have a bad rap in foreign countries. I always wondered just what kind of asshole is representing us over wherever. So one of my goals while being over here is to make sure I am not one of these people. It started off as making sure that I am all the things I listed above. However, it has gotten ridiculous. I am trying to be good at everything I do because I know people are judging the US by my actions. This includes drinking, eating whatever crazy thing shows up on my plate, exercising in the gym, playing sports, playing pool, fooseball, and trying to be clever. Perhaps this spiraled out of control on the basketball court a couple months ago. My coworkers love to play basketball so they took me one day. I explained to them that I was not very good but they assumed that I was not very good by American terms, meaning I was going to destroy them but Kobe can school me. Well, when I got to the court, there were actually about 15 courts. Almost all of them had a game going on it. As soon as people started to see me, it was like a TV timeout. Great, not only do I suck at basketball but now I have a crowd expecting to see my inner Steve Nash. Well, after about 5 minutes of playing I was told it was OK for me to try hard to beat them. I explained that I was. The viewers got restless. This progressed to laughter and head shaking. Yes America, I failed to represent your basketball capabilities, and for that I am sorry.

Thisisafakename