Witches are out to destroy my chair :(

Sup Monkeys!

Happy 3rd of July, or as it’s technically known, 4th of July Observed!

Did you feel a bit different when you woke up this morning? I bet something just seemed a bit… not the same. That wasn’t just last nights tacos sneaking up on you, it’s another African Religion Friday!!!

Today we travel deep into the heart of Ghana to talk a little bit about everyones favorite chair worshipping tribe, the Ashantis. No seriously, these people appreciated a good seat. For instance, whenever their king (or Ashantehene) has died, you’ll find Ashantis priests wandering through the streets, wailing with grief! I know what you’re saying, “big deal, I saw half a dozen wailing priests on the was to work this morning”. Ah, but if you notice, these priests are carrying something magical! These priests are hauling around the royal golden stool. A sacred sitting apparatice, the stool was actually key to the kings strength. Like most powerful men, the king kept his soul and source of awesome power in his upper leg and butt region.

Interesting side note, for the Ashanti, if you fall to the ground and land on your ass or even accidentally let a foot touch the ground, disaster was SURE to befall your family. Ah, but all is not folly with the Ashanti’s anti-ground-touching policy. Infact, it led to some really amazing expansionist policies. The Ashantis knew that when engaged in a territorial dispute with an opposing tribe, they could decimate their enemies by simply stealing their footwear. They alone knew that when their enemies bare feet touched the ground, they were destined to be utterly destroyed. No need for bloodshed or messy battles, simply snatch away your opponents shoes and wait for the wheel of fate to roll over your adversaries, safe in the comfort of your own flip-flops.

But back to more important issues, if the king has truly perished (shoes or no), you can be sure of one thing, witches. Witches are going to try and mess up his funeral. Those jerks! To try and prevent their unpleasantness, men will diligently surround the body and the funeral at all times during the ceremony to fight the witches. How do you fight witches? Well, you obviously gotta see them first. How do you see a witch? Duh! You have to roll your eyes up into your head. This is because the only way to spot a witch is to use your eyes backwards. You see, witches do everything backwards from humans. They walk backwards. They talk backwards. They rest during the day (in the bodies of women, naturally) and cause mischief at night. So it's not actually even a woman’s fault if she has a witch inside her. I mean, you may have to sacrifice her to get it out, but everyone knows she's not actually going out at night and putting curses on people. It's the witch inside her! Hey, why are those witches being such jerks anyway? Why are they so hell bent on harm and destruction? I already told you, they are the opposite of man. I don’t have to tell you, man would never harm and destroy.
Oh, and one last thing you should know about Ashanti kings. They like company. Really not good at handling alone time, these kings. As such, it was typical that after a king was buried, royal executioners would merrily run through the streets with axes, singing songs as the murdered everyone they could find. Why? Well, so the king would have some friends to hang out with of course! Moral of story being, if you see someone wandering through the streets with a golden stool, sobbing uncontrollably, time to get out of town for a little while.