Maintaining Equilibrium

Nobody in this world is perfect. I can not prove this, but I am perfectly comfortable with this assessment. If you wish to argue with me about this, I will only have to point to the fact that you are arguing with me about this, thus proving yourself wrong. I also believe that those who excel in some aspects in life are destined to fail in others. Jessica Simpson is hot but talking to her makes you want to kill yourself. Stephen Hawking is smart, but he can't change his own socks. O.J. Simpson was one hell of an athlete but... you get the picture.

In no way do I claim to excel in a specific area such as those mentioned above, however, I am starting to deal with the fact that I am stuck with perhaps a short coming of equivalent magnitude. I consider myself a well rounded individual. I am mostly athletic, reasonably attractive, intelligent, ethical, considerate, hard working, humorous, insightful, just all of those things. I'm not beating my own drum here, I am simply stating that I would fare "well above average" for all of these things if this were a test. So, with all of these above average "skillz" where do my shortcoming lie? Women.

Alas, perhaps part of fixing the problem is first recognizing the problem. My time in the states was peppered with short lived relationships spaced with long spells of XBOX and exercise. During this time I was certain the the reson for my lack of successfully finding a mate was due to confidence issues and simply the fact I had the relationship experience of a 15 year old in my mid twenties. Every girl I would meet would rather quickly turn out to me borderline insane. (I understand that all people are crazy, so I do not have unrealistic expectations as you will soon learn.) My first real girlfriend was certain that her grandmother had religious experiences when she would drink some crazy elixer that she home brewed. She also dated her cousin after we split and is now the mother of his child (during the pregnancy she smoked and drank.) Having a conversation with her was painful. I would say something, she would say "Huh?" I would dumb it down, she would say "Huh?" I would use words with 2 syllables or less and she would say, 'Ah ha!" I would cry. Ok, she was not only crazy, but she was dumb. My second girlfriend had no self worth. I should have realized this when we hooked up the first night we met. Our relationship ended with her telling me she held her house record for most guys in one night, and was followed up with me getting tested and her getting gang banged... at one of my friends house. My third girlfriend, I will admit, I knew she was crazy. I just didn't know she was clinically proven to be as such and that combined with her diabetes would sometimes invoke situations similiar to trips on speed combined with demonic posession.

True, the above mostly mentioned how crazy my ex's are, but this is describe just how terrible my judgement/ability to find women really is. Towards the end of my time in the US I managed to overcome my confidence issues and began to look forward to the possiblity of having success in Thisisafakecountry. Being one of few foreigners in the land I stick out rather well and my kind is looked upon favorable in this area. This was going to be different. I was going to take my lessons from the past and "fix the glitch." This was my fatal flaw.

My first girlfriend in TIAFC did not speak English. It was obvious that we were both attracted to each other and our cell phones could translate text, so we were golden. After a few dinners together, we decided we should go back to my place and watch a movie. This would have been fine if it were not for the fact that upon arrival, she was certain that my house was haunted. Through rough translateion, I was able to decipher that she believed she had the ability to sense ghosts and my place with setting her senses off like no other. Combine that with the fact that she had 2 ex boyfriends still fighting for her (they would call her when she visited my house and wait at her place for when she returned) and I knew I had failed again. My second girlfriend over here was a different kind of insane. She was much older than she said she was (this was obvious but I didn't mind at first.) She had dated 2 guys before me, both foreigners and left both of them within a month of their scheduled weddings. If that were not enough, she informed me after about 5 dates that she was really looking forward to us taking the "next step" in our relationship after her STD is cured. Goodbye.

My latest failure, and the reason for my no post last week, was a new edition to my insane women portfolio. This girl was intelligent, attractive, nice, successful, you name it. We went on a few dates and I found out that she was also a lot of fun. We went out to some clubs, had some dinners, went to an amusement park, all good times. I should have known trouble was brewing. After a nice weekday dinner, we decided that it was a good idea for her to come back to my place for the evening. As things progressed, it appeared we were ready to consumate the relationship. It was at this exact moment that has left me still in shock. Having known this girl for a few weeks, not being married, not wanting children, and simply using common sense, I reached for protection. This was countered with extreme opposition. Caught a little off guard, I explained that this is standard operating procedure and non-negotiable. The rebuttle I received is that we are already in love and she wants children immediately, so it's no big deal. However, I shouldn't worry because she had never gotten pregnant before. Neither won this arguement. The next day I was greeted with messages throughout the day that I shouldn't use them anyways due to the possibility of "damage" to the package before use. Specifically, "You never know what could have happened to them." OK, so time to throw out the stockpile due to certain tampering. Over and above that, there was more talk about how exciting it will be to finally start a family and how her mother should come for a visit and start to get to know the area... because she was going to take care of our children while we were at work. Goodbye again.

Once again, the details of my ex's are not intended to be a rant about them. Having informed you, the reader about these women, I am allowing you to understand just how perfectly horrible I am at finding a reasonable mate. Not just in our country, but even abroad. Hopefully, my luck will change, however in order to balance the equilibrium, I am certain that something else will have to be sacrificed. Perhaps a closed head injury, deformity, transition to becoming an asshole, or unemployment can change my luck with women. If not, I am sure that these woes will continue and the readers will have more stories to read and laugh about. Feel free (men and women) to leave comments about train-wreck relationships you have found yourself in. Not only are these reflections amusing, but perhaps they can serve as some therapy to me as well.

Thisisafakename