Nightstand

I opened up the top drawer of my nightstand last evening and had to chuckle. For those of you not from the area a night stand it is a little bit of furniture placed next to your preferred side of the bed. Typically it holds an alarm clock and maybe the book you're reading on its top and miscellaneous what-have-yous in its drawers. The nightstand that I'm currently in possession of belonged to part a of a bedroom set at my grandmother's house in Detroit. Ironically its current contents would lead you to believe it hasn't left. The furniture itself is well constructed, hand build in in western Michigan like most furniture you'll find in that region. The set is a bit worn down, missing handles, screws replaced with non-OEM doppelgangers and one of the glass tops is missing. However, the solid construction and ability to hold items supersedes these minor (if not character building) defects.

The top of my nightstand is adorned with a small $5 desk lamp and the book I'm currently reading (The End of Overeating). I have no alarm clock, I hate them, the "alarming" sound they produce, while waking me up, also results in a short but unpleasant heart arrhythmia. My fiancee has a sun alarm which amounts to an absurdly bright light that slowly powers up as the clock approaches the desired wake up time. This is a bit irrelevant since the normal sun is cruising up at about the same time. By the way my fiancee's nightstand is a simple table height bar stool, no drawers, just a top. It looks a bit eccentric but also did not block the heating/cooling vent in our old house. Now it just looks eccentric but at least the color is close to the other furniture so a quick scan of the room leads you to believe it's part of the set.

I'm not sure what people typically keep in the drawers of nightstands. I didn't really have one until 2005 when I got this furniture set. Prior to that I had maybe a computer desk or a window sill which typically held my former nemesis, the dreaded alarm clock. Thinking back I cannot believe how many years I used an alarm clock for. It wasn't until I had a job which did not rely on my showing up at a particular time that I was able to break free. The only nightstands I was really ever familiar with belonged to my parents. They had a matching pair each with a wide drawer at the top and a pair of doors to close off the contents of the lower 2/3rds. On them were two matching lamps, two alarm clocks and my mother had a phone on hers. Being a doctor required you to be able to pick up the phone and answer detailed, often life threatening questions, in the middle of the night. Who wants to get out of bed for that? They actually kept reading material in the drawer and the lower cabinet. The drawers themselves were full of loose papers and who knows what. I remember if you asked where nail clippers were one of those drawers had some.

Regardless I don't keep nail clippers in my nightstand and I don't keep scraps of paper laying around so what belongs in a nightstand? Things you need at night? Things you need in a bedroom? Fortunately for you the reader and me the author I have a copy of Martha Steward's Homekeeping Handbook. OK never mind, we are not fortunate the handbook just says a nightstand needs to be large enough to accommodate your "needs". So I guess I'm supposed to keep my needs in my nightstand. It turns out that my needs make me laugh every time I look at them. Below is a picture of the contents of the top drawer of my nightstand.

1. The obvious. Handgun, safety off. Why, who knows I'm not planning on getting robbed.
2. 10 Trojan "Her Plesure" condoms. Why that's obvious.
3. A compass, incase I need to um, ... know which direction I'm facing?
4. A key with a LED key fob. Dual usage opens something and provides light to see the compass in the dark.
5. A journal, which belongs to my fiancee (she doesn't have any drawers in her nightstand).
6. A pen for the journal.
7. Several hair ties, see item 5.
8. A MI trailer registration, I guess that's my scrap of paper.
9. Sticky notes.
10. An Ironman Timex watch with velcro wrist strap.
11. Wall charger for a Motorola RAZR phone, we have one of these in every drawer of the house. We have two of these phones (one is just a spare) and my now lost Bluetooth headset used the same charger.
12. On fitted sheet clip, for keeping your fitted sheet in place. They work great, if you have four of them, but suck to put on.
13. Chapstick, you can never have enough chapstick.

So based on most video games I've played this is the inventory for someone who has amneisa and is about to be attacked by zombies or mutants. Some of the items make sense, some will require a bit of quick thinking to put to use. Either way when the zombies attack I'll be ready.